Friday, February 13, 2015

How I knew I was done being a SAHM

It's the kind of cry where just the self-pitying sound of it, makes you cry more.

And it's not coming from the baby.

This baby has ruined my life.

I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub, escaping his demanding outbursts just long enough to cry a few tears of my own and get back to it. And I think, It's quite literally true. A baby's birth equals the death of your former life. Almost nothing you did before is the same, and even the things you still do the same, you do with major adjustments. But I might be taking on more than I even need to.

My love is DARLING, and a handful!
See, my 6-month-old bundle of joy is becoming more squirmy and demanding, which is unfortunately paired with a sleep regression, which means night-waking and fewer naps. In fact, after my husband leaves for work, he takes exactly zero naps. So, when he finally goes down around 7 p.m. I muster just enough energy to twist open the spout of my boxed wine and collapse into our barely used easy chair.

I've started accumulating a feeling that kind of reminds me of when I was diagnosed with postpartumdepression. I definitely don't have that overwhelming sense of doom like I did in those hopeless couple of months, but I do have that feeling I'm missing out on something exciting happening outside the lonely confines of my home.

I can't relate to moms who say, “each day is better than the last!” Yes, it's absolute HEAVEN to see my baby smile, and watch him experiment with his voice, but there's just no getting past the extremely difficult job of being his sole caretaker after my husband leaves for work.

Why don't I get out more, you ask? I definitely go get my hair done or take the fam on walks, but it's not like after hours of wrangling a toddler-sized baby, I want to wrangle him into clothes, then into a carseat, then around whatever venue becomes our crash site.

And I even have a job. A few of them, actually. But they are only a few hours a week, and happen while my husband is home (so it's not like I get to work fewer hours of my “mothering” workweek).

My closest friends think I'm crazy.

“If I were a stay at home mom, I would be on pills.”

After a week covered in baby food, I can't wait for my Saturday morning TV gig!
Another one says, “Working is the only way I could have two kids.”

And now, as I look into my baby's excited face after finding a toy that will make him happy for maybe 3.5 minutes, I am declaring:

This stay-at-home-mom thing is not for me.

It WAS, at one point. I told you in the article I wrote when I quit my radio job, that I just had to do it, so that I could figure out - without pressure - how this new family dynamic works. I definitely feel like a different person with different desires now, so the former career would not have worked anyway. Plus, I've been blessed with a front-row, round-the-clock seat to the most formative years of my son's life. I'm grateful for that.

But, I'm sorry, son. I enjoy our time together so much, and love you more than anything in this world. But I need a break. I need to experience life outside of my home, which - unless I can figure out how to afford a nanny so I can go standup paddleboarding all day - means going back to work.

This is kind of good news for everybody. I have finally learned that my baby will be just fine without me for a few hours. You know that saying: “You've gotta take care of YOU before you can be your best for others?”

Well, this momma's gonna do HER.

1 comment:

  1. I have heard many mothers complaining about how tough their life has become after having a baby, but never in my life had I heard a mother sound so cruel and unthankful for the joy she has. How unlucky your child is whose mother is crying over her lack of sleep instead of being happy that she has an alive healthy baby who cries and he is normal.