It's funny reading my past blogs, and thinking, "How was I so enlightened? I needed that advice just the other day!" It's like I've gone in and out of consciousness for the past year and a half. Sometimes, I'm elated - in love- self-assured. Others, I'm dismal, introspective, humble. I've posted about searching for answers, as well as having the answers. Nothing has been consistent. Except the inconsistency of my higher knowledge - which pops in to offer such good advice, but at such unpredictable times.
I've felt the Nirvana of knowing who I am. But it has come and gone, along with great traumas - of which, I've experienced plenty over the past year and a half - as well as moments of blissful ecstasy.
I've done a lot of therapy. Meditation. Horse therapy. Mom advice. Counselors. I've delved so deep into my psyche - seeing things I can never audibly describe to anyone - that sometimes, I feel like a ratted twine-ball of analysis, that would more easily be swept away than patiently untangled. But the untangling is paying off. And one strand at a time, I am finding a consistency to my thoughts, my feelings; to who I am.
I quit drinking. I didn't think I had a problem - I don't drink all that often. But I realized that I'm not a one-and-done kind of drinker. I'm a none-or-10 kind of drinker. But...that's because it stresses me out to drink. I drink MORE to drown the worries about how MUCH I'm drinking (is it too much? how about the calories? will I be hungover tomorrow?), or how I'm acting (am I being overly sensitive to the conversation? how will my husband/friend/etc say I've acted tonight?), or how I'll get home.
It's awesome to know a world where I don't have to even worry about whether drinking is an option or not...it's NOT! I don't have to stress about whether or not I'll have to turn down that Sunday afternoon glass of wine...the decision is made! And my husband is equally as excited about his own sobriety, too. It's like, a new world has opened up to us, which has complex levels of fun hidden at every turn. It's not just a numb monotone; the sound of which not even all the fancy dinners and operas and hotels in the world can lift up into exalted harmony.
Getting that stress out of my life, as well as being in a job I LOVE (I'm a morning radio host now), making time for my husband and family, playing outside, cooking and being organic is putting a tractor beam straight into my soul. I'm ME for the first time in a long time, and as I keep doing exactly what I'm doing, every day, I will solidify that TRUE ME more and more.
Crazy how out of touch we can get with ourselves. Walls upon walls, lies we tell to our innermost self, alter egos and false realities...wow, it's a scary world in there.
So step back. Breathe in. Look deep. It's scary at first, and takes extreme patience and support, but let me assure you that that big mess is just waiting to be cleaned up....only to reveal a shining marble masterpiece underneath. One that is genuinely YOU. And you, the real YOU, my dear, hold all the intuitive intelligence you'll ever need.