Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Starving the Stress Eater.

My mom told me, in a recent epiphany, that she eats "to avoid feeling."

Me, too.

Today, I barely make it through work - on-air appearance and all - to crash at home with a swollen throat. Chris sweetly showers me with affection, yet I'm begging for more to keep me from doing any of the talking. When he goes to work, I want to sleep, but forgot I had an audition for a TV episode, playing a Journalist (how fitting, right?). So, I scavenge the script, touch up my hair and make up, and speed to the sterile room where I belt out ridiculous "press conference" questions through my exhausted, strained pipes. Back at home, I'm head-deep in a to-do list: Chores, workouts, career advancement, etc...that leaves me paralyzed in anxiety, allowing me to get nothing done but stroke these keys, and maybe eat something.

These tasks are stressing me out. I am physically sick, which stresses me out. I worry that because of this stress, I'm not being a good partner. And I'm certainly not being good to myself. I remember when I was sweating it out at Bikram early this year, stress was as foreign of a concept to my little Bikram body as wearing long pants in the studio. And knowing that, and NOT knowing how to get BACK to that point, stresses me out.

So, the moment my key turns the lock and I'm safe in my house after work, the nutrient-bearing fridge residents feel my wrath. Broccoli and hummus? Mhmm. Bananas and cashews? Yes, please. A little square of dark chocolate? Bring it on! Oh, you're not full yet? Are you sure about that?

The script that added more stress than spotlight.
When I don't have something in my mouth, my mind starts to race again. As I sit here writing - writing: another drug, or is it the catharsis I need? - I wonder what feelings I'm avoiding. Stress? No. Stress is not a feeling, it's an excuse not to deal with your root feeling. Think about it, why does speaking in public "stress" someone out? Because they're at the root, shy, or terrified of judgement. Those are the real feelings. Stress is an umbrella that shields and protects those bothersome issues, hiding them away from resolution.

I am really searching hard for what's under the stress. Meeting Chris' parents for the first time this weekend? I don't think so...I'm excited for that. House stuff? Cleaning, laundry? Kind of.

You know what? I think I've figured it out. I'm having a hard time prioritizing, then taking action.
I've really wanted to put 100-percent into this blog. Even make it its own TV or web show. And to do more with my new position on the board of a non-profit. So it frustrates me that with only so many hours in the day (can you think of a lamer, more overused excuse?), a full-time job, and household responsibilities, that I can't do more.

Now, just talking this out, I realize I CAN do more. This process is really weeding out the time management/organization issues from under the stress umbrella.

A simple plan will help me avoid stress.
So, my new plan. Write out the days of the week. Write down two goals for each day. They can be simple (go to yoga) or bigger (make a video about DIY facial cleanser <--hint, check the blog tomorrow!). But being organized and seeing the day's priorities on paper will surely soothe my root issues of not getting anything done, and help keep stress - and extraneous caloric intake - at bay.

2 comments:

  1. This is great and simple advice that I can totally take to heart!

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  2. I'm so glad!! I know I sure needed it! :)

    ReplyDelete